Most days I think “I can’t see anything different”
I was a size 24(UK) and am now a 14/16 although I can’t get out of my head “look for 18/20” because I’m scared that I’ll try something smaller and it wont fit and It’ll just prove that I haven’t changed at all. It’s like I pick up a size 14, put it on and I’m scared that it’s going to come to life and be all “you’re too fat for this”, “you ain’t got this thin bitch and you never gonna!” The garment in this instance takes on the persona of a ghetto woman who don’t need no man.
It reminds me of when I was at school (and even now at times) when I would make fun of myself first before anyone else would, which they still did anyway but it looked like it didn’t matter because I said it first.
I’ll give you an example, the other week in monsoon, I went in and tried on the fucking fabulous dress in the window and whilst looking for the sizes I hesitantly picked up a 16 and my friend said “don’t you think you should get a bigger size?” He didn’t know and I know he didn’t mean it but it really hurt me. I did my whole “well I’ll try this one first, and we could get another size”. Well you know what? IT WAS TOO BIG! I needed a size smaller!
I don’t know if this makes sense or if anyone else has felt the same way but it’s something I’ve had on my mind for quite some time now…